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HEART STOPPING !!:

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!

ONE LIKES ONES TV !!:

Question: What does The Queen watch in bed ?

Answer: Philips 12 inch

DO ENGINEERS WEAR SANDALS ? - EXCLUSIVE !!

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say

"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex, like great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years. Raw sexual power! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, spun him around, and bent him violently over a table

The Shop Keeper began screaming -
YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!!!

TOUNGE TWISTER:

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"

Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', I said 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh'." And she socked me one."

First guy: "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Cornflakes.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch'

Computer Problems !! :

My friend is having trouble with his system.

Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off.

But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many Bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually he tried installing girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000.

But imagine my friends disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, and any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and can not be deleted they then re-surface months later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.

The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop browser Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle express needs to be reinstalled every week.

It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Arrogance of Youth !!

The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.

The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you've got to be young and smart to do that." The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap.

"Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"

Female Facts of Life

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

CIA Recruitment !!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Angling for a laugh.

An angler walks into a fish shop with a 20 pound salmon under his arm.

Do you make fish cakes? he asks.

Yes came the reply.

Well" he says pointing to the Salmon, "can you make one for him because it's his birthday on Tuesday.

This one made us laugh loudly !!

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot of land.. One day a gang of builders turned up to build a house on the plot. The family's six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing a 50 pence piece..

She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to put it into her savings account.

When they went to the bank, the bank cashier was equally impressed, and asked the little girl how she had come by her earnings.

"I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.

"Goodness!" said the cashier "And will you be building a house next week, too?"

"Yes," answered the little girl. " Providing we can get the f***ing bricks."

A TV Engineer`s guide and observations on a happy marriage:

1. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Durham, mine is in Truro.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the petrol. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the canal

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb trees.

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the dustbin-men, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

11. She told me she wanted to lose 10 pounds of ugly useless fat, so I told her to cut her head off.

12. My wife and I are sexually compatible...We BOTH have headaches.

13 ) I would NEVER divorce my wife , murder her , yes , but never divorce her !

And we are STILL together !!

Artists!!

An exquisite painting depicting three very naked and very black men, sitting on a park bench was on display at the London Tate Gallery.. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the black man in the middle clearly had a pink penis.

Two women were standing there, staring at the painting, scratching their heads, trying to figure the painting out.

The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. " I am the artist.Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said one of the women. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist." I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting.
The three men are not Afro-Caribbeans. They're Nottinghamshire coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."

Ugly or What!!

A woman holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver looks at them and says, "Wow! That`s the ugliest baby I`ve ever seen!" In a huff the woman slams her money into the farebox and goes to the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sees she`s upset and asks "What`s wrong.?" "The bus driver insulted me! " she fumes. "That`s outrageous! "says the man." He`s a public servant and shouldn`t be insulting passengers."

"You`re right! "the woman says." I think I`ll go up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That`s a good idea," says the man." I`ll hold your monkey."

An Essex man goes to a fancy dress party, with a blonde draped over his shoulder.

I've come as a tortoise, he says, and points to the girl on his back, and this is Michelle.

Quotation Test :

Who said ? :
We shall fight on the beaches,we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

Answer: Winston Churchill :

Who said? :
"An army marches on its stomach."

Answer: Napolean Bonaparte:

Who said? :
"England expects every man to do his duty."

Answer : Admiral Horatio Nelson:

Who said? :
" Defeat is OK "

Answer : Nelson Mandele`s chiropodist !

Beware of the following football based computer viruses.!!,

The Man Utd virus:
Your PC develops a disorder whereby the memory forgets everything before 1992.

The Man Utd shirt virus:
This one is especially hard to combat as it changes its format every three months.

The Phillip Neville virus:
The lights on your PC are all on but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus:
Throws you out of Windows.

The Harry Redknapp virus:
Your PC develops a continuous whining noise.

The Bosnich virus:
You just can't save anything.

The Chelsea virus:
Makes your computer think it's better than it actually is.

The David Ginola virus:
Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is OK.

The Stan Collymore virus:
Luckily this one doesn't actually work, but sometimes boots up some Swedish computers.

The Glenn Hoddle virus:
Disables your PC, blames it all on its previous life as a calculator.

The Coventry virus:
Makes you think it will go down but presses escape at the last second.

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde goes into Currys looking for a TV. After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home. She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this television." she says to the salesman, getting the same response; "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated. She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store,she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well,Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try TV engineers. Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and a**e h**e are interchangeable."

A man goes into Barclay`s bank and asks the cashier "I would like to arrange a loan to buy a car"
"I`m sorry sir", she replies , "The loan arranger is out to lunch"
"In that case " says the man , "Can I speak to Tonto?"

Unable to find a replacement cog for the gearbox of his beloved classic Datsun sports car, the enthusiast was told that he would have to collect one from the factory in Japan.
As he thought that this would be rather expensive , he decided to buy 50 replacement cogs and sell the surplus back home in England to fellow enthusiasts to help to pay for the flight.
Unfortunately, on the flight back home, there was engine trouble on the plane. So in order to save fuel , the pilot gave orders for all of the baggage to be jettisoned. This meant that the cogs had to thrown out as well.
On the ground , an elderly couple looked up at the sky.They saw all of the baggage falling from the plane.
"Look at that , dear" said the old man, "It`s raining Datsun cogs ! ! "

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. - It's called Wedding Cake.

More Jokes Like This One... 

Blonde Jokes

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!


How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There's correction pen all over the monitor.


Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.


A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"


How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.


A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video shop and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the video. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video shop to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Assistant: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'


There's 3 women at this bar. A blonde, a brunette and a red head. They walk into the women's bathroom. On the mirror, in small print, a note says, " If you say something honest about yourself, you will be rewarded." "And if you lie, you will vanish forever."

The brunette says, " I think have the most beautiful head of hair." Poof She vanishes forever.

The red head says, " I think I have the most beautiful body." Poof She vanishes forever.

The blonde says, " I think.." Poof.

Marriage Jokes

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."


Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.


A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

How was your day?

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," he replied.

She answered, "Well today I didn't do it!"


How do I look?

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse"


Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out her husbands old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The Love Dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house.

She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing!"

Little Johnny 's next door neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, they invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby, so his dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours.

He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said "Oh What a beautiful little baby."

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes.
Did his doctor say that he can see good?"

The Mother said, "Why yes, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said "Well, its a darn good thing cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!"

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" She says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets. "We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".







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